Popping Pills
by MailJeevasisasexymofo
Summary: And sometimes, he wants to hurt Levi. To show him how much he's putting him through. He wants to knock some sense into him, but, if he does anything but just go along with the falseness and lies, he might lose Levi. And that can't happen.


He was popping pills again; and not the kind you may think. No, these were not for ecstasy or hallucinations. They were to give him somewhat happiness.

Antidepressants.

They took him from the sinking, nauseous sadness to just sadness. They took away the physical feeling of being depressed. Nothing can take away the feeling itself. Nothing can fix your sadness until you're away from the reason that makes you sad. But how can you do that if your reason is staring you in the face every day?

Or rather, _you're_ staring _him_ in the face.

Eren could remember how it used to be. How it was before Levi had left. _In a sense._ Levi was still there with him, but he had changed. As though the Levi Eren had known was gone. The Levi that would laugh with him over nothing, talk to him every chance he would get, and send him a letter when they were apart. They used to hold stares and wide smiles; make faces at each other and laugh at inappropriate times. Now, they only held small, awkward smiles, rarely talk, and watch as the other finds someone new.

Does Levi even care? Eren cares when Levi quirks a smile at another man. He feels jealous… should he not? Their relationship is indefinable anymore. Eren would say something, but he can not. If Levi feels okay with where they are, then are there really any problems? Would Eren ruin it completely by saying something? He would rather be around Levi like this than not be around him at all…

Was it because of that summer they didn't speak? That summer Levi was required to leave, but Eren to stay? Eren cursed himself for it now, but he had not written a letter to Levi. Though, in his pitiful defense, Levi had chosen not to write one either. Levi was gone for two months, way too much time for Eren to be happy with, but he dealt with it in his own way; by becoming depressed. He was upset that he could not write anything to Levi. Well, it wasn't that he _couldn't_ but he just felt it was too late to. He knew he had blown it; it would be awkward, he just wouldn't know what to say after the first month of no letters being written. Eren was doomed from then on.

He hated the times when him, Levi, and all of his friends were gathered together for one reason or another. How Levi doesn't sit next to him like he used to; how Eren's pushed to the end of the table. How Levi talks to all of his friends but not him. How Levi looks at other men.

He loved Levi. He wanted _his_ Levi back, but he couldn't have him now.

So when he sees small bruises just poking out from the cuff of Levi's shirt, he'll just pop another pill.

And sometimes, he wants to hurt Levi. To show him how much pain he's putting him through. He wants to knock some sense into him, but, if he does anything but just go along with the falseness and lying, he might lose Levi. And that can't happen.

Until it does.

When he loses him completely. Giving longing stares to Levi's back. When his "boyfriend" or "friend" or nothing now, won't even spare him a glance. He is scared.

He is alone.

And that's the scariest thing to him.

He has pushed his friends away, and is alone…

Eren hasn't had a moment pass where he's not wondering how different life could be if he had just sent Levi a letter. He regrets everything and it's tearing him apart.

Please, end this pain.

He wants it to be over, this torture. Being alone and crying at night.

So he writes a letter to Levi, telling him that he wants to at least be friends again, while he's away. Making sure to sign his name in perfect cursive after one and a half pages of procrastination.

There is no response.

Though it seems as though the passing glances from his previous "friends" are of sympathy and guilt.

Eren pops another pill, though he knows the taste for them has long gotten cold. He is immune to them now.

The physical and mental anguish are all he needs to stare down at the bottle longingly. There are at least ten pills left.

Maybe he won't have to get another prescription.

A/N: Keri, I was planning on making a longer fic, but I realized that I knew hardly anything about this fandom… then this hit me like a freight train and I knew I couldn't use it for Matt and Mello, so I jus' gave you this little thang to hold ya 'till I get a good idea for the longer fic I'll make for you… jus' 'cause you're so speshul to me.


End file.
